I’m sitting in Starbucks trying desperately to write what I had planned for today’s post, but I’m struggling! It’s NOT that I have writer’s block. Quite the opposite – my mind is swirling with thoughts, feelings, realizations, ideas and concepts – they just have nothing to do with my intended post.
Instead of doing battle with my brain (I probably wouldn’t win anyway!), I will surrender, trust and just write!
In retrospect, writing The First of the Last, about sending Ben off to his first day of his senior year in high school, was very therapeutic. Unfortunately, I have 2 kids experiencing major milestones at the same time, which leaves me feeling pulled in different directions. I know I fully and completely recognized and honored the meaning of the first day of school as I kissed my senior goodbye. But I’m afraid I failed to do the same for my freshman.
I imagine that’s typically the way it goes for the 2nd born (and 3rd, 4th & 5th!). They get the clothing hand me downs, the out grown bike, the slightly used binders and back packs, they get the left overs from the first born. What they shouldn’t get is the left over love and attention. So I’ll be sure to make up for it by smothering him with extra mommy-love when he walks through the door from his first day of high school. I’m sure in all his cool freshman-ness that he’ll appreciate that (LOL!).
Living right in the thick of the first day of school experience feels bittersweet. Bittersweet is defined as “sweet with a bitter after taste“, but I’m feeling the flip side of that – bitter with a sweet after taste!
BITTER
It’s only been 4 hours since they boys left for school, and I feel like I’m walking in a cloud of melancholy. Purposefully, I filled up my day so I wouldn’t have to experience the quiet, lonely, emptiness at home. Grocery store, CrossFit, Starbucks – I’m surrounding myself with people, noise, energy – everything my house is missing right now. Unfortunately my tears don’t know the difference between being in a private versus public domain. But thanks to my sunglasses, I was able to camouflage my tears at the grocery store checkout line this morning.
SWEET
Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I notice a smile on my face, and a feeling of excitement welling up from the inside out. It doesn’t last long, but it is strong enough to stop me in my tracks. I realize this first day of school starts a new chapter for me as well. For the first time in 17 years I will be childless starting at 6:45 am each day, and lasting till at least 2:30 pm, depending on the boy’s after school activities. I will have hours to write, plan for my next business move, grab a workout and maybe even a spontaneous lunch with my guy or walk on the beach with a friend?
BITTERSWEET may not be so bad after all! In fact – I’m anticipating over the next few days it will hopefully transition to just SWEET!
As a student, I encountered 17 first days of school. As a parent, this is my 14th first day of school. Over half my life has been marked by this annual milestone. Yet each and every time is a slightly different experience.
When I first walked into my mobile office (Starbucks), I claimed a spot next to 6 gray haired women. I’m careful not to label them elderly or old, since that’s all relative, and although I feel 29, I’m closer in actual age to them than I am to my fantasy age! Anyway, as I sat down to write, it hit me that they may not have any idea that this was the first day of school. That’s when the bitter hit hard, the realization that one day (not too far from now), the first day of school could come and go, and I might not even notice it.
A flood of both bitter and sweet came pouring over me as I heard one of the women mention that her granddaughter was starting kindergarten today. With a sigh of relief, I realized the first day of school is as much an institution in our lives as Thanksgiving and Memorial day.
1st Day School – Freshman & Senior Year – 2013
The significance it holds and the emotions we experience vary year to year – but the first day of school will forever be an important day; a day of transition, a day of change, a day of growth, a day of excitement or apprehension….or both! But hopefully always a day with more sweet than bitter!
with Joy & Gratitude,
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